


Jay's mistake

by Isa_Arrow



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cocaine, Drug Use, Episode 5x10, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jay being stupid, Jay doing drugs, Jay just needs a hug, Light Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:26:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27698264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isa_Arrow/pseuds/Isa_Arrow
Summary: Jay knew he fucked up, knew he shouldn’t have gone down this road. Everything in him was telling him not to, his mind was screaming at him, but he didn’t listen. He wasn’t thinking straight, he was in pain, well, mentally at least, and he just needed something, anything to make it stop.
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Camila Vega
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi so uh, this is only the second fic I've ever had the courage to publish. (And the second time ever I actually finished a story.) So I really hope you'll enjoy it, excuse any spelling mistakes I might have made.

It had all started when he called Camila after a rough day. His mind kept going back to all the horrible things that had happened the past few months. It started out with just Morgan, the little girl he had shot, no, scratch that, he _killed_ her. Memories plagued his mind, everything he had told Luis about it was true. He couldn’t slow down or he’d see her, bleeding out on the floor, an eight year old kid that he had killed. He had nightmares about her, she was telling him that he was a horrible person for what he did to her, to her family and all the other people that had to live without her now that she was gone. It was all because of him, he should have known, he should have heard those kids laughing in there, should have been more aware of his surroundings. At that moment though, all he could see was the man shooting at him, the man he had to stop before he’d shoot another innocent bystander. He succeeded at that, only he was the person now to shoot the innocent bystander, a little girl who still had a whole life ahead of her, she was dead because of him and his stupidity.

Now, with the loss of Luis, it had just gotten too much to handle. He kept seeing him, running over to him as they were rescuing that kid. Kept seeing the bullet hit his neck, kept hearing the scream he let out as he could still feel the hot blood soaking his hands as he tried to keep him alive. Despite his efforts, he failed. Yet again he failed to help someone who was dying and didn’t deserve it, if there was anyone that should have gotten hit that day it would have been him, not Luis. Luis was just running with the wrong people, but that wasn’t his fault, he had just needed something, anything to feel like he belonged to a unit again. Jay had known that feeling, it’s one of the main reasons why he decided to be a cop. He needed the feeling of being surrounded by a team, needed to help people and be sure someone would have his back in case things went south. But most of all, he needed the action.

He would like to deny it, would do anything to pretend that’s not what he wanted or needed, but that would be a lie. When he got back to Chicago after his second tour had ended, it was hard for him. He drowned himself in alcohol, barely had a sober moment for weeks and barely even remembered what he did when he was drunk. He fucked a lot of girls, that’s for sure, it took the edge off, gave him something to focus on even if it didn’t last long. That’s not even what he enjoyed most, at that time the only thing that could make him feel even remotely human was the fighting. Picking fights at bars, drunk and swaying on his legs. Usually he’d win, but when the guy’s friends would show up he would get the shit beat out of him. He never really felt the pain, the alcohol numbed it, made him feel fearless like he could take on any fight he wanted to. Then the next day, when he woke up with a hangover, he’d go back to the bar, just to forget everything again. That’s why he became a cop, he needed the adrenaline, needed the idea that something could go wrong and that it was his job to prevent that from happening.

As it turned out, the Chicago PD would safe him, make him realise there was more to life than drinking, screwing and fighting. Mouse helped him too, told him to quit drinking and get his life back on track if he ever wanted to achieve something. He did, that, combined with his new job gave him purpose. He’d stay sober for days, the only drinks he had were a few beers at the end of the day, nothing too serious, nothing that would get him drunk or in trouble at work. Yeah, he had picked some fights with people on the streets, but he was usually able to blame it on the other guy and since his partner didn’t want any trouble he usually backed him up. Getting into Intelligence was a nice change, taking on cases, arresting more big time criminals, it was like the job fitted him perfectly. He made friends up there, people who became more like his family as months went by, he felt like he finally actually belonged somewhere again. It made him think back to his time with the Rangers, made him realise that this was even better. He didn’t have to constantly look over his shoulder, could actually trust people on the streets not to be carrying a bomb, life was easier this way.

That of course until Morgan and Luis died and his life changed. Closing his eyes was a bad idea because he would see them, hear them, have them tell him they were supposed to trust him, that he was supposed to protect them. He drank more coffee than he usually would just to stay awake and keep the ghosts away. It didn’t help, at work they began to notice he started looking worse every day. His reflexes were slower and the bags under his eyes told them all what they’d already expected, he wasn’t sleeping enough. No one dared to say anything, scared that he might distance himself even more from them, shut them out and find other ways to deal with it than just drinking coffee and not sleeping. But that’s exactly what he did, he found another way to stop the ghosts from bothering him, he knew it was stupid, but he did it anyway.

He had been seeing Camila ever since her brother had gotten killed, ever since he had gotten him killed by failing to have his back, even though he promised him he would. They were both sad, were both mourning the loss they had to endure. They drank together, probably more than they should have. It started out with just a few beers at night, nothing to worry about, but it soon got worse. They started drinking whiskey, vodka, anything that could get them drunk and just make them forget. They had sex and most of the time when they were together they were drunk and just had fun. Jay would like to think that Camila was just another girl he was screwing to make life just a little easier, but it was impossible to convince himself of that. It was more than just sex, he liked her, or at least that’s what he told himself.

With her he didn’t have to pretend, didn’t have to act like he was someone he was not, hadn’t been ever since before his first tour. She understood what he had been through, he brother had told her enough about what he had been through overseas to understand that the things he saw still haunted him at night. Yes, he was pretending to be Ryan, some unemployed guy who was just looking to get drunk and forget. Though sometimes it felt like Ryan was more real than Jay. Ryan didn’t have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t, didn’t have to pretend to be fine when in all truth he was in pain and just needed someone to understand what was going on, someone who could help him. His team had always told him they were there for him, but they wouldn’t understand and as much as they might want to, they never could. They knew about the bad side of Chicago, but Afghanistan was so much worse, worse than they could ever imagine. He had seen things, done things, things that wouldn’t even come close to their worst nightmares. At least Camila understood, she could listen and not try to tell him it wasn’t his fault, she just listened to him and helped him get through it.

A particularly rough case caused him to end up in front of Camila’s door in the middle of the night. She let him in, no questions asked and let him sit down on the couch as she walked to the kitchen to get him a drink. Knowing the way he was looking, this far away look and the way he was sitting on the sofa lost in thought she knew he needed more than just a beer. She walked into the living room and sat down, pouring two glasses of whiskey without even saying a word. Jay smiled slightly at her as he took the glass and started drinking. Camila rested her head on his shoulder as she cuddled up to him, both wrapping an arm around the other and not saying a word. They didn’t have to, for Jay, just knowing she was there for him was enough.

They finished the bottle, but still he wasn’t numb enough. Closing his eyes still brought the ghosts, still made him relive his worst memories over and over again. Camila was softly running her fingers through his hair. She sighed as she noticed the tension is his shoulders, his whole body really. Knowing he needed more she got up and walked to her bedroom, rummaging through some drawers she found what she was looking for and made her way back over to the living room. As she sat back down next to Jay she held the plastic package containing the white powdered substance. Jay immediately recognised it, but didn’t say anything. He sighed and shook his head earning a confused look from Camila.

“I can’t Camila, I know what that stuff does to me…” He sighed and tried not to look at her, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. But when he finally turned to look at her, there was no pity, just understanding. She leaned forward, placed a line on the table in front of her and snorted it. Jay couldn’t take his eyes off her, knew he shouldn’t do this. His mind kept screaming it how stupid it was, he knew what it would do to him, knew that it would effect the rest of his life, but at this time he didn’t care. He sighed and leaned forwards towards the table too, looking at Camila next to him, the pure look of bliss on her face, he did the most stupid thing he could have done. He snorted the coke on the table in front of him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kind comments, I'm glad you all liked and and encouraged me to keep on writing. I'm planning to add more chapters now as I'm really getting into the story, though I have no idea when I'll write the next chapter. 
> 
> This chapter is a little shorter than the previous one, but I hope you enjoy it nontheless.

His eyes widened as he felt the drug taking effect. He had done drugs before, there was no denying that. The last time he had tried coke was when he came back from his last tour, if he was being honest he missed the feeling of pure bliss that took him over. All thoughts he had, all the fears and insecurities, all his failures, they just left. Even though he knew it wouldn’t be permanent, as soon as the drugs were out of his system he would be back to being the old Jay, the one with all the weight on his shoulder, but for now it just felt good to finally be free of everything. He fell back against the couch and allowed Camila to once again move closer and lay against him. His arm snaked around her shoulder and held her close as his eyes fell shut.

He was smiling, not one of those forced smiles he put up around his friends at work, not the fake smile he allowed to form on his face when he told Hailey once again that he was fine after a rough day. No, this was a real smile, a rare smile that couldn’t be seen too often anymore, not since Erin left and all the things that happened afterwards. Camila seemed to notice the smile too, looking up at Jay she felt happy that she had found someone who understood her and who could help her through the loss of her brother. After a while, she too closed her eyes and drifted off to god knows where, somewhere happy and peaceful.

This was the first time in a long time that Jay could close his eyes and not see death and loss. This time he actually saw happy things. It was a nice change from all the nightmares and bad memories that he never seemed to be able to let go of. Despite that, deep down he knew that this was a stupid thing to do. Even through the haze that the drugs created in his mind there was one clear thought, one sane thought that kept repeating. _What the hell are you doing Jay?_

The answer to that was simple, maybe not if he was sober, but now the answer was so simple that he dismissed the thought as soon as it had popped up. He was just having some fun, and wasn’t that the point of life, wasn’t it the idea that everyone deserves some happiness in their lives. The way he got the happiness was wrong and most importantly illegal, but he couldn’t seem to care about that now, all he could think about was how good it felt to finally let go, to finally give in and just do something that actually helped him feel free.

…

Both Jay and Camila enjoyed their time while on drugs. Neither of them had said much, but they didn’t have to. They could both escape into their own little world, to a place where no harm could be done to them and where there was no one telling them how stupid they were for taking the drugs. But now the drugs had worn off and not long after Jay’s mind was filled with thoughts again. Morgan’s face immediately came back to him and so did Luis. Both of them were once again telling him how he had failed them. Already Jay missed the way he had felt not too long ago, he longed to the drugs. He couldn’t be getting addicted so fast right? He couldn’t become one of those addicts he had arrested way too often for doing drugs and hanging out with the wrong people.

He drank the small bit of whiskey that was left in his glass from before the drugs and took a deep breath as he shook his head. Camila had moved to the other side of the couch some time ago, but he honestly couldn’t really remember when or why. Hell he couldn’t even remember if she had even given a reason for it since he was too busy feeling good.

“I can’t do this again Cam, this was a one time thing.” He hated himself for this, he really did and he wished he could keep hanging out with her, could stay with her and admit his feelings for her, but he couldn’t. That voice in his head, it was right, this couldn’t happen again and shouldn’t even have happened to begin with. He had made a huge mistake, one that could cost him everything if anyone would ever find out about it. His job was on the line here and if he had to choose between staying with his unit or feeling free again, he’d choose his unit, always.

But was that really true? Could he keep living the lie he was living now, a life of pretending to be fine when he wasn’t, not even close. A life full of pain and suffering, a life of loss. He had lost so much already, he lost friends, people he cared about, people he saw as his family. Would it all be worth it to keep his job and just got through more shit? His thoughts kept racing, but an answer to those questions never came. For now he would just keep on living this double life, keep up not one, but two fake lives for as long as he could. He didn’t have to decide anything yet, he wasn’t addicted so hanging out with Camila and going to work shouldn’t be too hard to balance.

At work he’d pretend to be happy, pretend to be fine like he always did. When he had a day or night off he’d come here, back to Camila where the only pretending he had to do was listen to another name. He could do this, he could be both Ryan and Jay, he would manage, he always does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for what I should write next, please let me know as I'm always open to suggestions. I really hoped you liked this chapter as much as the first, please tell me if there's anything wrong or if there's something I should change.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I hop you like it, let me know if you think I should write another chapter for this. I might have some ideas, but I don't know if I'll even make time to continue it.


End file.
